I'm so sorry I've been gone! Not that I'm quite sure anyone really cares. But if anyone does, I am sorry! Things have been so horrible lately. My boyfriend and I broke up. But its not a horrible, fighting, hate each other break up, which I'm beginning to think is much harder than a fighting breakup. He is so busy and stressed with school, and his stress was stressing me out, and my stress was stressing him out, so we'd just fight over stupid things and it was horrible. So, we've broken up amicably... The only good thing that has come from this is my lack of appetite! I was seriously wanting to die with the way I was looking, but now, I can see my thighs getting smaller, and my belly getting flatter... its great. I've lost 5 lbs this week... Yeah... i'm 135... I was 140! EWWW! I hadn't weighed that much in god knows how long... So now I'm in the 130s again, I'm quite pleased. I haven't been motivated to go to the gym as I've been soooo busy with my new job- which I LOVE by the way! :) And another great thing about that job, there really isn't any time to eat during the day. So I usually drive in in the mornings, grab a coffee and go to work for 8 hours without eating anything before. If I do eat, its usually not until after work, but you know how that is, once you haven't eaten for a while, the second you eat even the tiniest bite, you seem full.

I did go out for dinner the other night with the ex though. We had a nice talk. I was so busy all day, and really hungry. We went for sushi which was delicious! But after that, my stomach hurt so badly. Another motivation for not eating after I haven't eaten all day! My stomach is all fucked up. The pain is worse after I eat than if I don't eat at all.

I'm sorry, I feel like I am just rambling on. But I have no one to talk to. J (is how I'll refer to the ex) told me I could call him if I needed to. I feel like he was just saying that to comfort me, and that he really doesn't want me to call him. I really really really want to talk to him. But hopefully he's busy doing work or something. Not to mention its 11:00pm. Maybe he's sleeping?

I got a new bikini at Victoria's Secret the other day! Soooo cute! My boobs are so huge but my size options were a 34c or a 36b or something weird like that. I'm a 34d (maybe larger) but I went with the 34c top, and my boobs look great! :) And not only that, but I bought a bikini bottom a little over a week ago because I thought that I'd be able to order the top online, but they didn't have the color, so I returned the bottoms. I'd bought a medium, but when I tried on the medium bottoms, in the same style but different color, they were really baggy, even over my underwear! Now I don't know if I just thought that they'd fit before... but even knowing that I had to switch out the sizes made me super happy! :)

Anyway- I must work on loving myself, and hopefully not having to cry myself to sleep again tonight!
I hope to hear from you all!
Miss you!
xoxo

You know what bothers me?
When magazines will show a picture of someone on the cover one week saying "Does soandso have an eating disorder?"  or "She's shrinking away!..."  But the week or two later, that same girl is on the cover of the same magazine as one of the best bikini bodies of the year... No wonder a lot of us have such a poor image of ourselves!!

That being said...
I've been doing pretty well the last couple of days. 
Yesterday, I had loooots of espresso coffee... it had me SO wound up.  I also had an omlet with a little cheese and a little ham.  The BF was around then, so thats when I like to eat!
That was about 180 calories or so...
I had a granola bar-180
Chips and Salsa-150
And I made mac and cheese for dinner... home made... I love cooking!
I only had a verrrry little amount.  There must be sooo many calories in that...
I started eating it before the BF got home.... I was going to toss the rest... but he got home before I could...  but honestly... there was maaaaaybe a half cup in my bowl... maybe.
Anyway... I couldn't have consumed too many calories anyway.
I'm about to go put some coffee on, and eat an apple or soemthing.  Then I'm taking the dog for a walk, its such a beautiful day out!
Stay strong lovelies!